So the kids are off from school for winter break and are having a great time in their bedroom laughing at YouTube videos and playing video games. I love when they laugh together, it make me happy and puts a smile on my face. My daughter does not always like to admit that she really loves her brother, but I know she does. Her brother really loves his sister and wants to protect her and take care of her, a little too much. But after all, he is now the man of the house, not by choice.

This month has been hard. Actually since Thanksgiving it has been hard. One because Shane, their father, my husband, is no longer with us. We miss him and at the holidays it just comes out more. We were looking forward to the distraction of family and travel for Thanksgiving, but my son caught a cold on the Sunday before, ONLY a cold, and I did not want to risk anyone else getting sick. My daughter did not feel well (NOT COVID) on Wednesday either. So being the responsible parent, we did not go. We did not have the distraction of family and other people to talk to and take our minds off the fact that Shane was not their with us. We made the best of it, has a wonderful dinner, and spent it at home, with each other.

Then Hanukkah came. It actually was a really nice holiday for my children. They received presents that they liked and wanted, I gifted myself a couple things as well and all in all it was good. We were just minus one. Always in our thoughts and with us in our hearts. As we lit the candles, I see in my mind him sitting on the couch with his hand over his head for a kippah saying the prayers with us. He was there with us, watching over us, saying the prayers with us, if not only in my mind.

From the beginning of December, it has been like a Hallmark movie, I could cry at the drop of a hat. I think that it was in anticipation of January, the dreaded month on January. I started thinking early. What should we do on his birthday, January 3rd. Should I keep the kids home? Should they go to school? Will they be ok in school? Would they be too sad at home? It's the first day back after break. If we go away, my son will have virtual school, but I am unsure about my daughter. (Mental note... find out protocols!) Either way, we will go to Jose Tejas for dinner, our go to place for birthday celebrations. We have been going there for birthdays for years! We have continued this tradition beginning with my son's birthday in May, my daughters in September, and will continue to do so. Mine was in February and I just could not bring myself to go this past year, but will this years, because, after all, it's the birthday go to spot!

Not only is Shane's birthday in January, but he died on January 21, 2020. I, we, will never look at January the same way again. It has gone from a month that is a celebration of a new year, new beginnings, good health, and joy, to a month of sadness and sorrow. The month that I had to tell my children the worst thing in the world. The month I became a single parent. The month that I had to take control of everything and figure out how to go on without my other half, knowing that he will never be able to make me laugh again, I would never hear his voice again, and never hear him say I love you again. The world around you keeps going but OUR lives were standing still and as we try to figure out how to move forward, nothing stops except you, stuck and numb, without feeling, just going through the motions. I still feel that way sometimes. Not as numb but just going through the motions or stuck.

January 21st will be here sooner than later. No one wants it to come. That will mean it will have been one full year since he's been gone. How did it get to be a year? I have no idea, but somehow it is. Once again, do I keep the kids home, do they go to school? What is the best distraction? Do we need a distraction or just accept all the feelings of sadness and be done with it? What can we do to honor his memory? Just sit home and do nothing? Boston, Massachusetts has been an important part of Shane's life and he loved it there. He always said he would go back at the drop of a hat! My children have wanted to go back and visit, to go to the places he loved, and to visit friends as well. So we will be going on that weekend, to honor him, to do the things he liked to do, and visit with good friends, keeping his memory alive. I will pick up my daughter a bit early from school, then get my son from his school, and before we go out of town, we will visit the cemetery, not far from my son's school. We will laugh and cry and tell him what we have been up to, even though I think he already knows. He will come with us in spirit as we celebrate his life in Massachusetts, a place he called his second home. We love you and miss you every day. And it will be year one...